The Promise
TW: weight gain/loss, self harm, body image, death
When I was a teenager, I struggled with both mental and physical health. Physical health struggles were isolating at times - especially when I had to miss out on an event and then hear everyone at school talk about the event. I had severe anxiety and was diagnosed with OCD and depression in middle school.
The area I was largely raised in wasn't the greatest for mental health care (and healthcare in general). This was especially true if you were a teenage girl - often everything was blamed on the 3 P's: puberty, pregnancy, periods. I can't count the number of times I was dismissed due to my age and gender. It really did a number on my body image and I still struggle to self-love and acknowledge my positive attributes and accomplishments.
I suddenly lost a close friend when I was 14. Things were very dark. I knew that if I hurt myself, it would hurt him too. So, I made a promise to him that I wouldn't hurt myself and that I would keep trying; I'd get back up, no matter how many times I was knocked down.
There were times that I struggled to keep that promise. But, over time, I became better at keeping it. I'd previously cut myself, but I stopped; the last time I cut myself was when I was 17. I wrote to process my feelings and emotions, I reached out when I needed help, I went to therapy, and over time, it stopped being so dark.
With all the swelling and inflammation and dramatic weight loss and gain, my body dysmorphia has been loud again. I'd kept it quiet for a long time, but I finally admitted to myself that I need more help with it. Remembering my promise, I have sought help from my doctors, trusted people in my life, and I'm working on fully keeping my word.
