Ask Aunt Lori - Asexuality
Dear Aunt Lori,
A lot of my friends are talking about having sex or wanting to have sex; a lot of them talk about not wanting to go to college a virgin. I have crushes and like to go on dates and kiss people, but I don't think about or want to have sex. I keep thinking that I'll want to when I'm older, but I still don't want to.
Is there something wrong with me? Am I broken? Should I get my hormones tested?
Not Interested
Dear Not Interested,
You're not broken or defective; just as everyone is extremely different and varied, the amount that someone wants (or doesn't) to have sex varies.
Let's first look at it using a metaphor:
Not everyone wants to eat cake. Some people hate cake and don't want to hear it or see anything about cakes, but some don't mind talking about baking cakes, but just don't want to eat cake. Some people like to look at cakes.
Some people may eat cake if they're around others eating cake or on special occasions. Some may want cake sometimes, but not often. Others might only want their favorite cake but not any others. Or some might just occasionally want their favorite cake only.
People who want cake but don't eat it by choice are on a diet.
Terms
Now, let's look at some of the facts and terms:
People who want "cake" are allosexual.
People who don't want "cake" are asexual and people who are under this umbrella term are asexual spectrum.
Wrong asexual
Those who only sometimes want "cake" are grey-asexual.
If you only want your favorite "cake", then you may be demisexual.
If you're a combination of the last two and only occasionally want your favorite "cake" occasionally, then you're demi grey-asexual.
If you're on a "diet", then you're celibate.
Types of attraction
It's also important to talk about the different types of attraction. Often, people don't realize that there are different types of attractions and they don't always align perfectly. The three main types are: aesthetic, sexual, and romantic.
Aesthetic attraction is the appreciation of someone's external look, without a sexual or romantic desire. I often compare this to admiring a piece of art and appreciating its beauty - but you don't want to date or have sex with the art, just look.
Sexual attraction is attraction with the desire to have sex or sexual contact with the person. In asexuals, this may be completely absent or minimal (see terms).
I mentioned that attraction can be split: you can feel romantic attraction to men and women (or any genders), but have a different sexual preference or lack thereof.
More Facts
Asexuality is very misunderstood and lots of myths are circulating out there. Let's look at some fast facts about it:
Asexuality is not necessarily the result of sexual trauma
Asexuality is NOT the same as being celibate
Asexuality is a sexual orientation and is part of the "A" in LGBTQIA+ (Asexual, aromantic, agender)
It isn't new, just more well known than before
Asexual relationships aren't inherently inferior to sexual relationships
Some aces (asexuals) have children
Estimates of the population of asexual people in the world varies, but is estimated to be less than 1% of the world, which would be larger than the population of Denmark (5.857 million people)
Asexual pride flag
Fin
Romantic attraction is attraction with the desire to have a romantic relationship or romantic activities, such as kissing and going on dates. Similarly, this can vary and is referred to as "aromanticism". Based on what you've told me, it seems like you experience romantic attraction.
There's nothing wrong with any place in the spectrum! It's important to know yourself, what you like, dislike, and your wants and needs; it can be a gradual process as you grow and have more experiences and change as you change. The teenage years are especially full of these changes and it can be really confusing! That's okay, you're learning and growing!
Sex does not make someone whole or mature, so not having sex doesn't mean that you're not whole and immature.
Aunt Lori
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