Ask Aunt Lori - Handling difficult people
I posted recently about a difficult situation with cyberbullying; during this, it made me realize that I could use it as a teaching opportunity.
As a child and teenager, I was very shy, struggled to fit in, and would often take abuse in order to not "rock the boat" or draw attention to myself. I've since become confident in myself, don't care about fitting in, and I don't take any abuse. Though I am still human and can't be strong all the time, I give myself space to express my emotions and maybe have a good cry or scream into my pillow, and then I pick myself up again. I remind myself that I am resilient and I have gone through so much worse things and I have more support than ever now, so it cannot shake me!
So, now I want to look at what I would tell myself years ago.
Dear Adult Aunt Lori,
How do I deal with difficult people? Specifically, how do I handle being bullied (verbal and emotional) by other kids?
Child Aunt Lori
Cuddling Molly, my first dog, while I was sick
Dear Child Aunt Lori,
It's very hard to be a child sometimes. You have been through a lot, so before I continue: take a minute and think about the compassion you have for everyone, and think about what you would tell yourself if you were her friend.
There are a few ways to handle difficult people, depending on what is happening. The number one role is to stay safe, but I'll go over some general rules before getting into some specific for cyberbullying.
Stay safe
If you or someone else is in immediate danger - call 911 (general emergency phone number, 999 for many other countries) or 988 (Suicide Prevention Hotline)! I have some other resources here.
If you aren't in immediate danger, ensure that you are safe and have a safe place and person to go to; check out the resources for non-emergency resources as well.
Don't handle it alone
Support and care from others is crucial. Nobody should have to go through this - and especially not alone! Asking for help is NOT a sign of weakness! You have nothing to "prove" by handling it alone and you will hurt yourself in the process.
Humans are social creatures, when looking at it from a purely scientific view. Our very cells and organelles aren't designed to be alone and neither are we socially!
React neutral, if possible
If possible, react completely neutral to anything they say. This is especially true when dealing with narcissistic abuse: you react with anger? They play the victim and cite your anger. You react with sadness? They will mock you. Any emotion you display, they will find a way to weaponize it.
Reacting with a completely neutral poker face doesn't give them any ammo for their weaponry. Personally, I stare blankly at anyone who is verbally bullying me. They feel very awkward and don't know what to do and it takes the fun out of it.
However, don't take this as "ignore it and it will go away"! That very often doesn't happen and most bullies count on victims to do that, act polite, or "be the bigger person ". This is only to protect yourself in the moment of verbal abuse (not physical) and you absolutely should be taking steps to hold them accountable and put an end to it!
Don't retaliate
Though it may be tempting, don't retaliate. Defend yourself, but remain factual and avoid any emotional retaliation. It can be difficult to get orders of protection and similar things if you participate in a back and forth with them!
File a police report and ask for a restraining order
Depending on the severity, it might be worth it to file a police report and ask for a restraining order and other protections. I recommend this particularly in cases where the abuser has a history of violence, harassment, stalking, etc and is very unhinged and unpredictable. For example, if the abuse started from a small issue and quickly escalated. It is also good to do if the bully has a large clique
Now, let's look at some things specific to cyberbullying. The internet and social media are great tools - but as with all tools, it can be abused. Bullies no longer have to wait until school hours or other times you are both present somewhere - they abuse the tools.
But, with all tools, you also can use it to help protect yourself and others.
Collect evidence
Anytime you see any posts or comments or anything on social media or online - screenshot it immediately! Even if it seems like it's minor, screenshot it anyway! Bullies will often delete or edit their posts to do damage control. They may even try to say that it was edited to make them look bad! So don't edit it!
Once you have those screenshots, save them to a Google drive or other secure location. If you end up needing to file a police report or restraining order, you can easily get the required evidence to include. (If you don't have it all, don't worry and just include what you have - they may subpoena the bully's internet service provider for the information, but this allows it to be filed faster).
Block and report
After gathering evidence, block and report the bully. Then, encourage your friends to do it as well. If it's particularly bad, you may be able to call customer support and send in the information and hopefully have the page(s), post(s), etc removed.
Contact cyber crimes authorities
Most police departments have a dedicated cyber crimes unit now. They can easily trace IP addresses to identify unknown cyberbullies. If you know the full name of the person and the city they live in, it can speed up the process, but it is not necessary to have. As mentioned above, they are able to subpoena the internet service provider for any of the information needed.
The next steps depend on the specific situation, but typically they grant a temporary order of protection and at a court hearing later, they decide whether or not to grant a long term order of protection, the duration of it, and other details.
Again, depending on the situation, it could result in an arrest and other criminal charges. I'm not a lawyer, paralegal, or very knowledgeable about the specifics.
Remember, things will get better. There will be a lot of darkness and trauma in the future; but you will light a candle and find a Light within you to guide you.
This quote got me through my darkest days
Adult Aunt Lor
Have questions you want me to answer? Fill out my Google form here and select "Ask Aunt Lori"! No judgment, just ask away!
