Dear Aunt Lori,

Can you help us understand the difference between limerence and love when you're on the spectrum?

Catching Feelings

Dear Catching Feelings,

The two can be difficult to differentiate between in the early stages, and it's an issue for a lot of people - but might be more difficult to determine if you're neurodivergent. There are a few things to look for, but first let's define both:

Limerence: the state of being obsessively infatuated with someone, usually accompanied by delusions of or a desire for an intense romantic relationship with that person.

Love: a strong feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, such as for a parent, child, friend, or pet; a profoundly tender, passionate affection, often mingled with sexual desire, for another person.

A large difference between the two is often the longevity of the feeling. Limerence tends to be a short, passionate burst, and often ends in resentment of the person. Love tends to be more long term and stable. Because longevity is such a major factor, that's a part of why people are more likely to approve and support people in long term relationships versus a shorter term relationship.

Another major consideration is if you are seeing the "big picture" and full person - flaws included - or glossing over certain traits. Love involves learning and accepting the flaws of a person, while being realistic about them. Limerence ignores the flaws and has a "rose glasses" view.

I've created an infographic with a comparison of the two side by side in order to help:

Hopefully this helps! As time goes on and you learn more about this person, it should be clearer than it is initially.

Aunt Lori

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