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Ask Aunt Lori - Boundaries

Lori Adams

Dear Aunt Lori,

My relationship with my family is very strained . I have no choice but to rely on them for some things, but I don't want them to keep hurting me. What do I do?

Wounded

Dear Wounded,

I'm sorry that you don't have a supportive family; every child deserves to grow up in a supportive family environment. Unfortunately, many don't. Some people aren't able to get away from their family and need to find ways to navigate the situation. Doing this can be a very delicate and stressful situation and I highly recommend seeing a therapist regularly to help you, but I can share some of the things that have helped myself and my friends in similar situations.

Keep them on an "information diet"

"You're on a need-to-know basis... and you don't need to know." - Stanley Godspeed in The Rock (1996)

Restrict what you tell them as much as possible! This can be difficult if you are someone who likes to share or tends to overshare; however it's my #1 piece of advice for people in these situations.

In general, work on only sharing the essential information and avoid anything emotional or personal to you. I've created an infographic to help you, but in general: share the minimum amount necessary and give nothing that you are personally attached to.

Choose your battles wisely

Think strategically. Toxic people can easily drain you, so don't exert energy into arguments that aren't important to you. What battles and topics you consider to be "worth it" is up to you.

Have a safe way to vent

Whether it's through art, journaling, or yelling into your pillow - you need a safe way to release those negative emotions. I personally listen to metal music and write in order to release my negative emotions and thoughts. It's best to have several healthy coping mechanisms that allow you to have that safe space to retreat to when you need it.

Have support outside of your family

Preferably someone who doesn't have contact with your family. A therapist is the best option for this, but even if you have a trusted therapist, you need others to support you in your daily life. Seek out trustworthy and loyal friends and don't be afraid of ending friendships that are unhealthy and unsupportive to pursue new and better ones!

If the situation ever changes to a dangerous one, having that outside support is life saving! If this happens, ask them for help and find a way to escape from them! I've included some resources below to keep in the event you need help.

Suicide & Crisis Hotline

  • Call or text 988

Domestic violence hotline

Since I'm not a therapist or social worker who knows everything about you and your situation, I can't provide you with a lot of definite answers, but I hope these will help you set boundaries with your toxic family members.

Wishing you the best,

Aunt Lori

Have questions you want me to answer? Fill out my Google form here and select "Ask Aunt Lori"! No judgment, just ask away!