‘Til Disabled Do Us Part
Names omitted to protect privacy
For screenshots of proof, click here
I had been in a long term relationship before my brain tumor surgery and the assortment of neurological issues associated with it; he was studying abroad at the time of my surgeries and hospitalization. He acted as normal as possible for a while, until the summer of 2016.
We had discussed plans for when he got back to the US and his upcoming trip to a different country before flying in. He talked to me to tell me that he had gotten his passport and was on a train.
Then there was nothing.
I called and texted many times; I left voice-mails and messages asking him if he was okay; then my messages turned from concern to anger as days, then weeks, and finally a whole month passed. He should have been back in the country by now, but his promised visit never happened.
My mom called a member of his family and asked, "does he plan to ever talk to Lori again?"
"I was under the impression he had," they said.
The next day, I had a severe migraine, so my mom read my messages from friends. She winced, then read a cold, calculated Facebook message from him dumping me.
A few days shy of our three year anniversary, it was over.
Summer of 2015 attending a formal event
When he tried to ghost me, he never considered that it would come back to haunt him as I continue to share my story
I ’s a story that isn't unique: many women are dumped by their significant others when they become disabled, ill, or injured. There are more women out there like me. And more. And more. And even more.
So many that it's the subject of public health studies and many hospitals send social workers to privately discuss it and prepare women for the possibility.
Of course, people of all genders experience this, but it's extremely common among women. Some studies show that women are 6X more likely than men to be dumped by a romantic partner!
To understand why this exists, we have to examine our systems of gender norms: women are often caregivers and mothers. Many disabled women have fertility issues and their medical conditions limit how much of a caregiver and homemaker role they can play - if at all.
Additionally, sexual activities can be severely impacted: cause flares and pain, increased risk of yeast and urinary tract infections, accidental pregnancies could be fatal, birth control methods could interfere with regular medications or cause further issues, and medications can't be taken while pregnant. Appearances and attractiveness is thus, also heavily weighted in a woman's worth in a patriarchal system.
With these norms that reduce women to the sum of their abilities to be a caregiver, mother, sexual partner, and decor, there's no value assigned to a woman who cannot fulfill the criteria - or a limited amount. Thus, it is considered to be expected and normal for partners to abandon their "insufficient" wives/girlfriends/fiancees. Often callously, as they don't see them as people.
If we want to demolish this pattern, we first must dismantle the gender norms of our societies. We must begin to see that everyone is multifaceted and diverse: there are women who are great caregivers, mothers, and beautiful; but that is not all they are or the source of their worth, just a facet. Women who are not any of those things are also valuable.