Reposted from my older site

I'm a fan of Netflix's Queer Eye, but I've been dreading this episode since seeing the title - "Disabled But Not Really".

This episode focuses on Wesley, a man from Kansas City, Missouri, who became paralyzed from the waist down after gunshot wounds when he was 24. Prior to his injuries, he was a self confessed "bad boy" and involved in gangs, drugs, and the like. After his injuries, he eventually started working out and started an organization to help other disabled people get access to spaces and programs in fitness. The episode and organization share the same name, Disabled But Not Really.

From the start, I could sense a lot of internalized ableism. He was likely raised in an environment that emphasizes masculinity as strength and little to no weaknesses or limits. Disability will create barriers and limitations, but learning how to accept and adapt to the"new life" after trauma is the best course of action.

In many ways, Wesley has done this. His organization helps a lot of people, he appears happy; but the language used for disabilities is detrimental - without intending it to be.

The first red flag for me was his organization's name. "Disabled But Not Really" describes itself as a charity that aims to empower and give strength to disabled people - a very noble mission. With the particular wording of "not really", it implies that strength is something that a disabled person cannot have, so if they are strong, they're only *kinda* disable - but "not really". Disabilities and strength are not mutually exclusive - you can be disabled and strong!

I was angry upon seeing the title and name of the charity; once I mustered up the strength (cough) to watch the episode, the anger was joined by sympathy. Wesley is very cheerful on the outside - very bright smile, laughs a lot - but has been living in a house that is not very accessible at all! His daily activities would be much more difficult than they should be, simply because of his house. His language, as mentioned, comes off as passively, unintentionally ableist. It is clear to me that he is going through the internal conflict between his notion of a man and his life with a disability. But to most, he appears cheerful, positive, and "not letting his disability stop him" - a commonly used phrase by the toxic positivity crowds.

The sections with Bobby, Tan, and Antoni show the most growth, in general. Bobby and Antoni go shopping with Wesley and realized quickly - about half of the grocery store isn't accessible in a chair! Wesley and Antoni also discuss how trauma can force people to grow immensely. Wesley admits that he had never really put much effort into himself prior to paralysis and has become a better man - which is a great example of post traumatic growth.

Karamo sets up a meeting with Wes and Maurice, the man who shot him. Not only that, but Wes goes through the stereotypical "I forgive him" and even thanks him. I'm sorry - WHAT?! The conversation goes to talk about Maurice's reasoning for shooting, and the whole thing feels like victim-blaming with Wes saying that he would probably have done the same thing. They hug at the end of the meeting.

What did I just see?! Are my ears broken?! Forgiving your attacker is ridiculous enough, in my opinion, but to go on and accept some of the blame for being shot when you weren't hurting anyone then further, to thank him for your new life is delusional!

Life experiences, especially those that alter your life forever, do change and shape us - sometimes for the better. However, it is certainly not okay to do this in a situation where a person was violently attacked! Forgiving attackers - or God forbid, thanking them - ultimately diminishes the severity of this type of violence. Victims do not need to forgive their attackers, just getting to a point where they aren't constantly consumed with hatred is enough.

But, let's end with some positives:

• Wes seems to have gained a lot of confidence, independence, and grown from his week with the Fab Five.

• Bobby basically redid a lot of the house to make it accessible for him. It's amazing! Bobby is extremely talented!

• Wes thanked his mom in a very heartfelt way and acknowledged her at his charity event.

• Wes's mom will not need to worry about him so much with his new house.

• The styling, as always, was on point.

• Tan specifically tailored the clothes, especially jackets, with Wes's needs - not tangling in the wheels!